So we were watching TV (reality, of course) the other night and I asked Chris if he thought she was pretty and he said "No, her lips are too big". Her lips...really?

AMAZING!!!! I am addicted to this!

This weekend was mine and Captain Wonderful’s Happy Anniversary! Years ago, having our wedding on Opening Weekend seemed like a great idea because it was SO much cheaper to get married in the Hill Country on this particular weekend….hmmmm…..probably because everyone else in the Hill Country was at the DEER LEASE since it was ummm…OPENING WEEKEND. In honor of this special day I thought I would share with you the events of what transpired on our wedding night. Don’t get crazy people, this isn’t Showtime After Dark here (or Big Brother!)…..



After we had wined and dined ourselves and our guests at our reception, and let me stress WINED and WINED and WINED more then dined here, we headed back to our room for a very planned out romantic evening. Waiting in our room, our very rustic room with cedar plank walls (that things stick to) and breathtaking Guadalupe River views were candles, and strawberries, champagne…and the wedding night contraption /contortionists costume lingerie I had so genius-ly picked out to wear.


So we get back to the room and it was so prettily decorated and romantic and we had some champagne and talked some (ahem…) and I excused myself to the restroom to complete my stunt change. Needless to say, after I stripped out of my dress and the bajillions of straps and bungie chords underneath (I was reminded of the scene in National Lampoons Christmas vacation, when they take the straps off that Christmas tree and it busts out every window in the house, yep that scene.)  I took a look at what I had picked out for my wedding night "attire" and thought “Seriously…A.) was I drinking the day I bought this…? B.) Guess my other personality was in charge that day, you know the one that things I'm made of rubber and weigh 90 pounds and used to be a stripper. (I hate her)!."  So 17 1 hours later I emerg in all my glory sweating, huffing, panting, hair all crazy to find Captain Wonderful….chomping at the bit like it was Christmas morning passed SMOOTH OUT.


Well my 1st thought was “Oh Hell to the No…” and then my 2nd thought was “Can't breath...need more air then I'm getting..." And then my 3rd thought was…”I love my sister for sending this plate of reception food to our room…” And then my 4th thought was “Guess, I should wash these down with a little more champagne…” And then my 5th thought was..”Yummm, Champagne..." And then my 6th thought was "zzzzzzz." 


In the morning, I did have a vague recollection that apparently at some point in the night Captain Wonderful had woken up and appreciated all of my effort. As I was thinking about this I opened my eyes and the 1st thing I saw when I looked up over the bed…onto the cedar plank walls…above our heads....that things (lacy things) stick to…was…. Yep. It sho was. And that was the 1st point in the new game called marriage. One for me :)
 Happy Anniversary Honey. Years and years of pure wedded bliss :)

Happy Halloween!


My husband went as what else....drumroll.......Captain Wonderful!

And I made these which I thought turned out super cute but were SOOOO sweet they will put you directly into a sugar coma. Do not pass go, do not collect $200...straight into the coma.



Reasons I know God is NOT a woman....

This list is for all the feminists out there who actually think God is a female. No WAY Jose. Or I guess I should say No way Josefina.

1. Periods (and not the kind at the end of the sentence)
2. Morning sickness
3. Stretchmarks
4. PMS
5. Menopause
6. Vericose veins
7. Slime in the ice machine (aka ovulation)
8. Bikini lines
9. Cellulite
10. Childbirth (I mean the size of a kids head and the size of other "areas" don't exactly match up...
11. Pap Smears

I'm just saying....

Note to Capt Wonderful: You should buy a calendar. On that calendar every month should be a week with red X's. During that week you should def use your NICE VOICE when you talk to your wife and "ok honey" and "whatever YOU say honey" should be said ALOT. Just trying to help you out...honey.

Demerits for Absenteeism

Shame Shame Shame....know, I know , I know....I've been absent. But never fear, deer season is around the corner and I will have bookoos of free time to catch up. In the meantime, I've hooked this sucker up to update with my facebook status's to entertain you all until then.

Enjoy.

Sarijane :)

Captain Wonderful....

So I think I finally found a spot for the laundry basket so that Captain Wonderful's clothes actually make it into basket.....next I will be installing a shoe rack underneath the window. Deocrating smecorating...

Summer is officially over..

"The Apprentice" drove himself to school this morning. It is the first time I haven't taken him to school in his life. I sat here and cried after he left until I talked to my yayas (who still have young kiddos) and reminded me that they had been in the car rider line for around 17 hours and already needed a xanax. I felt better.

Happy Birthday Mom!

 am a very lucky girl and love you very much!

Zen

So I'm reading a new book right now that is about meditating each morning for 15 minutes and calming your mind and blah blah blah. I decided to give it a shot yesterday morning while I drank my coffee (Medititating while drinking coffee...Sometimes my genius-ness amazes myself??). I had my eyes closed but sensed something and opened them to find this....

I said to her: "L.O., you are so not very zen....and you are messing up my zen-ness"

So she gave it a shot....

It didn't last very long...for her or me.

It's custom people

Bet everybody wants one of these babies....

I can't make this $hit up....

So after the last time my parents watched my nephew and extremely covertly figured out a way to ensure that they won't be asked to babysit anymore....(this is not photoshopped people, nor at a zoo)

I had the privilege of watching him last night. I'm cooking dinner and he's in the back yard with Captain Wonderful and all of a sudden Captain Wonderful brings him to the door (butt naked from the waist down....my nephew, not Captain Wonderful) and tells him:

CW: "You need to tell Aunt Sari what you did...

Nephew: "Uuummm...I crapped on the porch..."

Me: "What"

CW: " You heard him"

Me: "What...?"

Me: "Why??"

Nephew: "Because I didn't wanna sit on the toilet and I didn't wanna go in my pants"

Me: "Wow."

Me: (to Capt Wonderful) "If I have to clean up the dogshit you should have to clean up the kidshit"

I have to yell the last part of that sentence since Captain Wonderful is sprinting down the driveway.....

Has Anyone Seen This Girl?

So on Monday when I turned on my work email after being off for a week I had a few 686 emails in my inbox (Seriously...)....

Also had 1700 hours of Tivo to watch lots and lots of important stuff to do around the house. AND I haven't had a glass of wine ALL week (hello...it's wednesday people...wtf.) And although my kidneys and liver are blissfully peaceful, my nerves have started to hum "Sometimes, you wanna go, where everybody knows your name...and they're always glad you came...so I have decided today shall be Bring On The Wine Wednesday (Captain Wonderful is SUPER excited!).

Sincerely,
I'm not an alcoholic I just like to drink alot and often, Texas

P.S. - Captain Wonderful put a HUGE chink in the Apprentice's social calendar by making him come home and mow this afternoon. I just looked out the window and have now solved the mystery of those weird symbols that appear in fields that people think are from martians. They're not, they're from pissed off teenagers on riding lawnmowers. Should make for a fun evening come 5:30....better get started on that wine asap...if Big Brother wasn't on I'd go hide in the shed with a book and a flashlight..and the bottle.

Intervention anyone?

So I was packing my bag for the car for the 17 hour 5 hour trip to Garner and realized that I have a major freaking somewhat of a problem....

There's no place like........Garner :)

In the meantime, here's a quick and easy recipe for Pico De Gallo that is SOOOO refreshing after a long day on the Frio river (and an empty cooler! :)

-5 On The Vine Tomatoes (you can use Roma Tomatoes instead but will probably need to add more since they are smaller)
-1/4 large white onion - diced
-1/2 entire head of garlic - peeled and diced
-2 large jalapenos or 3 small/medium
-1/2 bunch cilantro (leaves only)
-2 limes
-Salt and pepper

1. Take the guts out of your tomatoes and dice (I put these into a bowl and then strained the juice back into the pico since I like mine "soupier"
2. Remove the seeds and the veins from the jalapenos and dice these
3. Add the remaining ingredients, the juice from the limes and salt and pepper to taste. It's best if you cover and refrigerate. The longer it melds together the better it is. I made mine in the morning and let it sit all day while we were at the river and it was perfect by the time we got back!

Because I crack myself up....

If I worked at Wal-Mart I would move this section over by the swimsuits. HAHAHAHA, damn I'm funny.

Christmas in July

Wooooooooohhhhhhhhhhooooooooooo......guess what tonight is...............Big Brother premier on CBS....this is what summa-time is all about.  Sweet....summatime summatime....

Mexican Rice- Danny Devito Version

So I made this dish a few weeks ago and it turned out deli-c-oso. I defintely took the short cut version on this one and used packaged Spanish rice instead because that's how I roll (i did learn the real way to make the rice last night and it uses a STICK of butter...ummm...yeah.). Especially on a Saturday when I'm trying to get out of la casa and into la piscina (the pool for all you Gringos :)! I was feeding muchas personas and this made a 9x13 pan so scale it back if your not feeding your entire neighborhood.

Here's what ya need:
1 cup each: diced carrot, corn, peas
1/2 cup chopped onion
Handful of cilantro
1 can Rotel tomatoes with green chilis (drained)
Couple cloves of garlic-chopped
2 tbsp olive oil or butter for sauteing your vegetables
3 packages of instant Spanish Rice

Directions:

1. Prepare your rice according to directions. Set aside for later.
2. Add the olive oil to your skillet over med high heat. Once it's heated through add all of your vegtables and the drained can of Rotel tomatoes and saute until vegatables are tender. (I drained the juice from the Rotel into my prepared Spanish Rice that was set aside, just to give it a little extra flavor)
3. Once your vegetables are cooked add them to your Spanish Rice and stir until well mixed.
4. That's it. When you're read to serve them, put the pan in the oven on 350 degrees until heated through and call it a fiesta!

UFC observations

I was lured by the promise of food and alcohol (and the company of my teenager!) into heading over to a friends house where a mob of former middle aged men reverted into their adolescent selves. I retreated to the back porch where there was no sound on the tv so my ya-ya made up for it by yelling "Hit him, hit him, kick him, hit him..." repeatedly and I stared at her and said "Who are you...?". Then I remembered that she is the same one whose motto is "If your not first, your last" and who had to cancel family WII game night at her house because she A.) couldnt stay out of arguments with her 9 and 10 year old (the apple(s) do not fall far from the tree over there) and B) couldnt stop arguing with her husband accused her of "cheating" by practicing all day while he was at work. Good times.

Anywho - these were the observations I walked away with:
A.) If you are going to fight with bright pink hair you should at least dye your roots the day of the fight
B.) I think that Biff from Back to the Future made a pretty smart career choice to leave the BTTF franchise and get into UFC. I mean they all went downhill after the 1st one. I'm just saying....

Stop the press....

Holy $hit....I am at the movies seeing Grown Ups with....(drumroll) ....Captain Wonderful. I think the last movie we saw together was The Waterboy. Yay for hangovers (and Adam Sandler I guess) .

Caution - watch for flying pigs.

P.S. - went to a very fun party in the neighborhood that has drawn me to the conclusion that just like Trix, blow up waterslides, are for kids!

I heart Jen Lancaster

And this is why. I was reading her blog and freakin cracked up (yet again). Please note that I'm not the one saying the "f-bomb" I'm only condoning it and perpuating it so on the great sin-o-meter that's defintely not as bad. I hope this is not some kind of copyright infringement ....that's probably higher on the sin-o-meter. This is completely her quote from her blog, her work, her potty mouth, her everything. Oh and here's a link to the original (again, hers, not mine). C.Y.A anyone?

From her blog:
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Someone sent me a tweet along the lines of, "Sigh... I long for the days when your summer reading suggestions weren't about cross-promotion."

Oh. Really.

My initial response was to tweet back, "Sigh... and go fuck yourself with a very sharp, cross-promotional stick," but I've been trying to conduct myself in a more professional, less profane (possibly less psychotic) manner.
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Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaa! Can't....even...take......it. Oh and let me just tell you one thing, I will def be purchasing all of said cross promotional reading suggestions. Well, maybe not the zombie ones since I am an A-#1 chicken and won't make it through deer season this year when my hubby is gone every weekend. But the other suggestions, it's on like donkey kong. Oh, and all you internet crazies don't get any bright ideas about trying to stalk me when I'm home alone every weekend in deer season....because I have schnauzers....mean ones.....and guns....and...lots of other stuff.

Quoteworthy Quote

"That bi-yatch is nuttier then squirrel shit" - Unknown.

For realz youse guyz...

Yes it's a cookbook AND Yes it's by Teresa from Real Housewives of New Joisey Jersey. Make sooommmmee noise partay people and let the fist pumping begin....

Addio bella!

In a perfect world...

In a perfect world.....My neighbors would be Bethenny Frankel on one side and Jen Lancaster on the other. Oh...and I'd go ahead and round out the street with the chicks from Real Housewives of New Jersey (except for Danielle and her bff Joey Buttafuco-Springfield....). Oh..and Neenee from RHOAtlanta...block parties from Hell....I'm just saying....

Oh...and Jessie from Work Out...yeah, him too.

Oh...and Jeff Lewis. Gotta have him and Zoila.


Dang...and Andy Cohen...him too.

And God said let there be light....and all was right in the world (At least in my pretend subdivision)

Gee-tars...

Yippee! We've got two signed guitars for the benefit auction for Kelly...one by Stoney Larue and one by Reckless Kelly. Hopefully more to come! By the way...I've said it once, I'll say it again...Stoney Larue is one cool cat. I would defintely buy him a beer :)

No Fat Tomatillo Salsa

This recipe is from one of my sister's bffs Ashley, who according to her, is a fiery redheaded Southern Belle who's name should be said exactly like Scarlet says it in Gone With The Wind....a total of about 4 syllables (PS - I just had to google syllables, and yes, I had it spelled wrong originally...where is Laura Bush when you need her....). No matter how you say it, this girl can co-oo-oo-oo-k. This recipe is delish, and I'm sure I did several things wrong, but regardless it turned out fantabuloso (that's my way of saying fantabulous in Spanish. I learned it from Captain Wonderful when we were in Playa Del Carmen...you just put an "o" onto the end of whatever English word your saying and say it with a Mexican accent. Oh, and say it louder then normal too, that's key). (PS -I can't wait to try this on grilled chicken or fish, or in enchiladas...or breakfast tacos...and lions and tigers and bears, oh my!)

Here's what you need:
5 tomatillos per 1 yellow onion
2-3 jalapenos
Several Garlic Cloves (suit to how much you like garlic. I heart the stuff so I used a LOT-o)
Juice from 3 limes
2t cumin
1t each: salt, pepper, caynenne pepper, oregano (I happened to have Ground White Pepper on hand and it was delicious-i-o-so instead of black pepper, made it kind of smoky)

Handful of cilantro

(Note to self....quit spending your candle money on wine....)

Peel your onion & tomatillos and rinse them. (PS- I think tomatillos are weird little things) With a small coring knife remove the core. Put in a pot with the onion and cover with water. Bring to a boil and let simmer about 10 minutes or until they are a light green. You don't want them to mushy or they fall apart. Drain, cut both ends of your onion and throw all of it in the blender or food processor, and set it to the side.

 Notice the one on the top that refused to change color with the rest of them....if that tomatillo were a kid it would be a goth kid....just HAVING to be different! Why don't you just go hang out with the jalapenos. Geez...CONFORM damn you.

 Roast your japapenos until they are charred BLACK. Like Goth Black. You can do this in the oven on broil or over a flame on a gas stove. Once they're done, place them in a sealed ziplock bag and let them steam for 10 minutes. Remove them from the bag, chop the top off and peel the black skin off and throw them in the blender with tomatillos and onion. (P.S. -Captain Wonderful opened the oven door a total of 170 times and told me he didn't think I was doing it right.  After the 170th time, I could no longer take it and told him the next time he opened the oven door that I was going to shove his ass in asked him if they taught him how to do it in Culinary School? He left and went outside and quit doing it).

Add the remaining ingredients to the blender and pulse until it's the consistency you like it. I like mine like I like snakes I find in my yard....beaten to death.

Real Housewives of NJ

Favorite quote from last night: "Danielle is everywhere you look, she's like freakin parsley" - Caroline Manzo

Roar.

I woke up in a FOUL mood today. F-O-U-L. I'm talking door slamming, dog kicking (not really), steering wheel gripping, telemarketer ass ripping foul. Captain Wonderful, dogs, the teenager should all run for cover. You know the saying "if you don't move it won't see you"? They should take it to heart. Big time. The pool guy came a day early and since every single pool float/toy/swimming thing we own is still in the pool from the weekend and I happened to glance out the window and see him look irritated as he dug stuff out of the skimmer....game on buddy...Gird Your Loins indeed. Lucky for him God took pity on him and intervened and saved his life the phone rang and distracted me. Close call pool guy. You should go buy a lottery ticket today or something.

It was my girlfriend, and the first thing I said was "Warning, It's a foul mood day". And she said "I need some advice". Me: "Didn't you hear me.....?" Her: "Perfect, that's just the kind of advice I need". Guess it was her lemons into lemonade lucky day.

I have also decided to make a list of things that the males in my house are incapable:

1. Changing the toilet paper roll
2. Throwing empty toilet paper rolls into the trash...it's so far....like beside the toilet
3. Taking their clothes off anywhere else then beside their bed
4. Picking up clothes out of the floor beside the bed - (I will be vacuuming around them from now on.) (Vacuum is a stupid word that is spelled ridiculous to make you look illiterate when you get it wrong).
5. Aiming. (Enough said)
6. Taking their 150 glasses from their nightstand to the kitchen
7. Using only a towel for more then 1 day
8. Not wearing EVERY SINGLE item of clothing they own in one weekend.  Apparently their must be fashion shows or events going on that I am unaware of or they are trying to set some kind of Guiness Record.
9. Knowing when to fight and when to flee.

P.S.  - If I owned a grocery store I would put the tampons next to the wine. I'm just saying....makes sense.

P.S.S - This also explains my crippling desire for a Blizzard last night.

Happy Fathers Day Captain Wonderful

This is what he wanted for breakfast, so this is what he got. Eggs Benedict with No Eggs.  I know right? Mine was better...it had eggs in the Eggs Benedict!

I thought it was HY-sterical that the Hollandaise Sauce package said that you could reduce the fat by using low-fat milk instead of regular.....but still use the 1/4 CUP OF BUTTER?? Although it got me to thinking about a way to try to make it low-fat....hmmm.

Real Housewives of NY/NJ aka Damn Yankees

Gosh I love my TIVO. I got to feed my habit earlier because of it and now I am a happy camper. Just a few random thoughts....(what's new right?)

Kelly - You are batshit crazy. I think you should hook up with Kasey from The Bachelorette and ya'll should do your own show...with subtitles of course. It would go something like this

"Satchels of Gold"
"Guard and Protect her heart"
"Al Sharpton"
"Guard and Protect her heart"
"Cartwheels and unicorns"
"Guard and Protect her heart"
"Systematic bullying"
"Guard and Protect her heart"

Bethenny -You know what they say, it's not the pitbull that is bad, it's the people around them that make them that way. Freakin crack me up. Oh, and am I imagining things (aka turning into Kelly) did I just see you pee in a....trashcan? You thought you took flack over peeing on a pregnancy test....

Jill - Sux not being class favorite.

Alex - I have a message for you...

Countess Luann - Dahling...your date Cort.....really.....All I kept thinkin the whole time was "I wonder if he talks like that in the sack...." THE WHOLE TIME.

Ramona - More dancing,less talking. Wait scratch that.More talking.

Sonja - quack quack.

Kelly Kikkomann Benjamin - Oh wait, I already did you, All aboard the crazy train...hopefully your straight jacket won't be strapless...or yellow.

Party Planner Lady that I can't remember your name - you're pretty funny. Hopefully you'll stick around a bit.
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Teresa - Love Love Love.

Danielle -WTF is wrong with you. You have more cuckoo in you then a clock. Every hour. On the hour. And wtf is up with your entourage? Your guy,Joey Buttafucco (or whatever his name is), looks like he couldnt fight his way out of a wet paper sack.

Caroline -I wanna come to dinner at your house. Please...

Jacqueline - Yawn. Snore. Oh, and could you get someone to hold that baby while your on camera...it's very distracting. Geez. If we wanted to see real life we'd watch the news.

Dina - Leaving? So selfish of you...think about us viewers and have some compassion.

Kim G.  - fyi - your on CAMERA....being filmed....they're gonna know you're lying...dumbass.

Bachelorette recap...you bunch of D-Bags.

Kasey – your voice has been like nails on a chalkboard to me this whole time. And then to add the random signing outbursts….you must just need to go home. And if you say one more time “to guard and protect your heart” my ears are going to BLEED and I’m going to begin to smash my head into the wall. I mean, we could play a drinking game to this it’s said SO f-ing much. BTW, a bandage around your wrist….why not just go on the roof and act like your gonna jump and then just say your bird watching when everyone asks what you were doing up there.



The Lion King debacle….I’m speechless. Are you sure these are straight guys….. Nothing against anyone, just an observation that they may have the wrong person playing Bachelorette on this season if you catch my drift. At least Jonathan didn’t cry this time. I think they are actually TRYING to make her not like them. I mean, come on, who would be attracted to these guys after this. It’s like if a guy you kind of like has a booger in his nose, and you don’t want to tell him, but you can’t look at him with it….it just kinda kills everything. That’s what this Broadway ordeal is like….a guy with a booger.


Jonathan – you freakin powder puff girl. Why, why, why, why can’t you be from Oklahoma…or Arkansas….or anywhere else but here. There are 49 other states…Take your Kleenex and go.


And here’s a little free advice for you guys out there. Girls……don’t……like…….to….be…..sung…..to. Unless you are on a stage, you SHOULD NOT DO THIS. You’re welcome.


The only thing missing this week was Rated Argh. You FAKER. I bet if someone put him on one side of a football field, lit his pants on fire and put the fire extinguisher at the other end his foot would magically heal. Quickly!


Ok….drum roll please……winner winner chicken dinner….I’m gonna call the final 3…..Chris, Fred, Kasey. HAHAHAHA….Just kidding…Chris, Fred, Roberto. That’s it people. The betting windows are now open.


Oh, one more thing. These are the worst dates EVA in the history of the Bachelor/Bachelorette season. Seriously, the people behind the scenes must sit around and think….hmm…what can we do to make these guys look like even bigger douche bags then they already are….Oh, I know, they can try out for the Lion King, try to make a dance video, pose in a calendar in a speedo, try to dance to a choir…for realz.

Green Eyed Monster

There are not too many times (OK, never) that I envy teachers or teenagers. Summer is the exception to that rule. I was in my office working the other day and looking for Noah watching the rain come down and I hear a huge splash in the backyard and discover a mongrel looking bunch of heathen red neck houligans my son and his buddies making the most of it in the pool. They then upped the ante by adding the skim board (to which Captain Wonderful would tsk tsk for sure, but he what he doesn't know won't hurt him...that's my motto at least)

Summer is officially here :)

And then they were off again.....as I yelled out the door "Your ass is grass if you have a rope in that cart!"

Captain Accident Kid + Golf Cart + Skim Board + Rope = Another Co-Pay and Possibly a CPS investigation at this point!

On the bright side, no deductible though because it's usually met by the 2nd week in January by this kid, 3rd at the latest!