Apr 16, 2010

Flashback Friday: Labor and Delivery Version

I had an extremely difficult labor and delivery. And that is putting it MILDLY. Let's put it this way: 16 years later. Still one kid. More kids=more labor and deliveries=no freakin way jose. The sadist moron who should not have a medial license and might possibly really only have a veterinary license and might possibly not even be capable and deserving of that obstetrician let me go 2 FREAKING weeks over my delivery date before inducing me.

Key Facts:
  • Allergy to demerol=throwing up down side of face during the entire labor (apparently Satan the OB can't read either. Hello. I'm allergic you jackass.)
  • Inducing with Potocin=12 hours of straight pushing contracting labor with continuous intermittent panic crying spells where I may or may not have started hating certain people
  • Hater devil obstetrician=no epidural (I spent many years plotting revenge)
  • 2 weeks over due date=10 lb, 23 inch kid (with jacked up head)
12 hours later (12 HOURS) we had a baby. People always think I'm exageratting (because I may or may not exagerate sometimes) when I say that Zach's head was a LOT bit jacked up when they gave him to me. This is no exaggeration people. He gave Dan Akroyd's Conehead character more than a run for the money. They brought him in and I started wailing "They told me not to push, they told me not to push, look what I diddddd". His dad asked the nurse "Is his head supposed to do that?" (Note to him: Seriously? You thought that was an appropriate commment?)You know that cute little pink and blue knit hat that they put on all babies? Well, the nurse had to get a foot hold and use two hands to stretch it over his cone head. His head was very similar to the Alien movie character. Very similar.

I came across this picture the other day that proves my point. This is the standard newborn picture that they take in the hospital once the baby is born. Notice what is so tall that it is out of the picture....? Yep. His cone head. Not...in...the....picture. Told you.

Flash forward to 16 years later. His head ended up turning out ok though. Now we worry about the inside of what's going on with his head instead of the outside. Sometimes I would take a conehead over dealing with the way a 16-year old thinks. When does something that makes me think "Huh? Seriously?", I remind myself that they told me not to push. Oh, and that caning is not legal in the US (STILL?!).

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