Jun 30, 2010

I heart Jen Lancaster

And this is why. I was reading her blog and freakin cracked up (yet again). Please note that I'm not the one saying the "f-bomb" I'm only condoning it and perpuating it so on the great sin-o-meter that's defintely not as bad. I hope this is not some kind of copyright infringement ....that's probably higher on the sin-o-meter. This is completely her quote from her blog, her work, her potty mouth, her everything. Oh and here's a link to the original (again, hers, not mine). C.Y.A anyone?

From her blog:
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Someone sent me a tweet along the lines of, "Sigh... I long for the days when your summer reading suggestions weren't about cross-promotion."

Oh. Really.

My initial response was to tweet back, "Sigh... and go fuck yourself with a very sharp, cross-promotional stick," but I've been trying to conduct myself in a more professional, less profane (possibly less psychotic) manner.
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Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaa! Can't....even...take......it. Oh and let me just tell you one thing, I will def be purchasing all of said cross promotional reading suggestions. Well, maybe not the zombie ones since I am an A-#1 chicken and won't make it through deer season this year when my hubby is gone every weekend. But the other suggestions, it's on like donkey kong. Oh, and all you internet crazies don't get any bright ideas about trying to stalk me when I'm home alone every weekend in deer season....because I have schnauzers....mean ones.....and guns....and...lots of other stuff.

Jun 29, 2010

Quoteworthy Quote

"That bi-yatch is nuttier then squirrel shit" - Unknown.

Jun 28, 2010

For realz youse guyz...


Yes it's a cookbook AND Yes it's by Teresa from Real Housewives of New Joisey Jersey. Make sooommmmee noise partay people and let the fist pumping begin....

Addio bella!

Jun 27, 2010

In a perfect world...

In a perfect world.....My neighbors would be Bethenny Frankel on one side and Jen Lancaster on the other. Oh...and I'd go ahead and round out the street with the chicks from Real Housewives of New Jersey (except for Danielle and her bff Joey Buttafuco-Springfield....). Oh..and Neenee from RHOAtlanta...block parties from Hell....I'm just saying....

Oh...and Jessie from Work Out...yeah, him too.

Oh...and Jeff Lewis. Gotta have him and Zoila.


Dang...and Andy Cohen...him too.

And God said let there be light....and all was right in the world (At least in my pretend subdivision)

Gee-tars...

Yippee! We've got two signed guitars for the benefit auction for Kelly...one by Stoney Larue and one by Reckless Kelly. Hopefully more to come! By the way...I've said it once, I'll say it again...Stoney Larue is one cool cat. I would defintely buy him a beer :)




Jun 23, 2010

No Fat Tomatillo Salsa

This recipe is from one of my sister's bffs Ashley, who according to her, is a fiery redheaded Southern Belle who's name should be said exactly like Scarlet says it in Gone With The Wind....a total of about 4 syllables (PS - I just had to google syllables, and yes, I had it spelled wrong originally...where is Laura Bush when you need her....). No matter how you say it, this girl can co-oo-oo-oo-k. This recipe is delish, and I'm sure I did several things wrong, but regardless it turned out fantabuloso (that's my way of saying fantabulous in Spanish. I learned it from Captain Wonderful when we were in Playa Del Carmen...you just put an "o" onto the end of whatever English word your saying and say it with a Mexican accent. Oh, and say it louder then normal too, that's key). (PS -I can't wait to try this on grilled chicken or fish, or in enchiladas...or breakfast tacos...and lions and tigers and bears, oh my!)


Here's what you need:
5 tomatillos per 1 yellow onion
2-3 jalapenos
Several Garlic Cloves (suit to how much you like garlic. I heart the stuff so I used a LOT-o)
Juice from 3 limes
2t cumin
1t each: salt, pepper, caynenne pepper, oregano (I happened to have Ground White Pepper on hand and it was delicious-i-o-so instead of black pepper, made it kind of smoky)
Handful of cilantro

(Note to self....quit spending your candle money on wine....)

Peel your onion & tomatillos and rinse them. (PS- I think tomatillos are weird little things) With a small coring knife remove the core. Put in a pot with the onion and cover with water. Bring to a boil and let simmer about 10 minutes or until they are a light green. You don't want them to mushy or they fall apart. Drain, cut both ends of your onion and throw all of it in the blender or food processor, and set it to the side.




 Notice the one on the top that refused to change color with the rest of them....if that tomatillo were a kid it would be a goth kid....just HAVING to be different! Why don't you just go hang out with the jalapenos. Geez...CONFORM damn you.

















 Roast your japapenos until they are charred BLACK. Like Goth Black. You can do this in the oven on broil or over a flame on a gas stove. Once they're done, place them in a sealed ziplock bag and let them steam for 10 minutes. Remove them from the bag, chop the top off and peel the black skin off and throw them in the blender with tomatillos and onion. (P.S. -Captain Wonderful opened the oven door a total of 170 times and told me he didn't think I was doing it right.  After the 170th time, I could no longer take it and told him the next time he opened the oven door that I was going to shove his ass in asked him if they taught him how to do it in Culinary School? He left and went outside and quit doing it).

Add the remaining ingredients to the blender and pulse until it's the consistency you like it. I like mine like I like snakes I find in my yard....beaten to death.


Jun 22, 2010

Real Housewives of NJ

Favorite quote from last night: "Danielle is everywhere you look, she's like freakin parsley" - Caroline Manzo

Jun 21, 2010

Roar.




I woke up in a FOUL mood today. F-O-U-L. I'm talking door slamming, dog kicking (not really), steering wheel gripping, telemarketer ass ripping foul. Captain Wonderful, dogs, the teenager should all run for cover. You know the saying "if you don't move it won't see you"? They should take it to heart. Big time. The pool guy came a day early and since every single pool float/toy/swimming thing we own is still in the pool from the weekend and I happened to glance out the window and see him look irritated as he dug stuff out of the skimmer....game on buddy...Gird Your Loins indeed. Lucky for him God took pity on him and intervened and saved his life the phone rang and distracted me. Close call pool guy. You should go buy a lottery ticket today or something.

It was my girlfriend, and the first thing I said was "Warning, It's a foul mood day". And she said "I need some advice". Me: "Didn't you hear me.....?" Her: "Perfect, that's just the kind of advice I need". Guess it was her lemons into lemonade lucky day.

I have also decided to make a list of things that the males in my house are incapable:
  1. Changing the toilet paper roll
  2. Throwing empty toilet paper rolls into the trash...it's so far....like beside the toilet
  3. Taking their clothes off anywhere else then beside their bed
  4. Picking up clothes out of the floor beside the bed - (I will be vacuuming around them from now on.) (Vacuum is a stupid word that is spelled ridiculous to make you look illiterate when you get it wrong).
  5. Aiming. (Enough said)
  6. Taking their 150 glasses from their nightstand to the kitchen
  7. Using only a towel for more then 1 day
  8. Not wearing EVERY SINGLE item of clothing they own in one weekend.  Apparently their must be fashion shows or events going on that I am unaware of or they are trying to set some kind of Guiness Record.
  9. Knowing when to fight and when to flee.
P.S.  - If I owned a grocery store I would put the tampons next to the wine. I'm just saying....makes sense.

P.S.S - This also explains my crippling desire for a Blizzard last night.

Jun 20, 2010

Happy Fathers Day Captain Wonderful

This is what he wanted for breakfast, so this is what he got. Eggs Benedict with No Eggs.  I know right? Mine was better...it had eggs in the Eggs Benedict!
I thought it was HY-sterical that the Hollandaise Sauce package said that you could reduce the fat by using low-fat milk instead of regular.....but still use the 1/4 CUP OF BUTTER?? Although it got me to thinking about a way to try to make it low-fat....hmmm.

Jun 16, 2010

Real Housewives of NY/NJ aka Damn Yankees

Gosh I love my TIVO. I got to feed my habit earlier because of it and now I am a happy camper. Just a few random thoughts....(what's new right?)

Kelly - You are batshit crazy. I think you should hook up with Kasey from The Bachelorette and ya'll should do your own show...with subtitles of course. It would go something like this

"Satchels of Gold"
"Guard and Protect her heart"
"Al Sharpton"
"Guard and Protect her heart"
"Cartwheels and unicorns"
"Guard and Protect her heart"
"Systematic bullying"
"Guard and Protect her heart"


Bethenny -You know what they say, it's not the pitbull that is bad, it's the people around them that make them that way. Freakin crack me up. Oh, and am I imagining things (aka turning into Kelly) did I just see you pee in a....trashcan? You thought you took flack over peeing on a pregnancy test....

Jill - Sux not being class favorite.

Alex - I have a message for you...

Countess Luann - Dahling...your date Cort.....really.....All I kept thinkin the whole time was "I wonder if he talks like that in the sack...." THE WHOLE TIME.

Ramona - More dancing,less talking. Wait scratch that.More talking.

Sonja - quack quack.

Kelly Kikkomann Benjamin - Oh wait, I already did you, All aboard the crazy train...hopefully your straight jacket won't be strapless...or yellow.

Party Planner Lady that I can't remember your name - you're pretty funny. Hopefully you'll stick around a bit.
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Teresa - Love Love Love.

Danielle -WTF is wrong with you. You have more cuckoo in you then a clock. Every hour. On the hour. And wtf is up with your entourage? Your guy,Joey Buttafucco (or whatever his name is), looks like he couldnt fight his way out of a wet paper sack.

Caroline -I wanna come to dinner at your house. Please...

Jacqueline - Yawn. Snore. Oh, and could you get someone to hold that baby while your on camera...it's very distracting. Geez. If we wanted to see real life we'd watch the news.

Dina - Leaving? So selfish of you...think about us viewers and have some compassion.

Kim G.  - fyi - your on CAMERA....being filmed....they're gonna know you're lying...dumbass.

Jun 15, 2010

Bachelorette recap...you bunch of D-Bags.

Kasey – your voice has been like nails on a chalkboard to me this whole time. And then to add the random signing outbursts….you must just need to go home. And if you say one more time “to guard and protect your heart” my ears are going to BLEED and I’m going to begin to smash my head into the wall. I mean, we could play a drinking game to this it’s said SO f-ing much. BTW, a bandage around your wrist….why not just go on the roof and act like your gonna jump and then just say your bird watching when everyone asks what you were doing up there.



The Lion King debacle….I’m speechless. Are you sure these are straight guys….. Nothing against anyone, just an observation that they may have the wrong person playing Bachelorette on this season if you catch my drift. At least Jonathan didn’t cry this time. I think they are actually TRYING to make her not like them. I mean, come on, who would be attracted to these guys after this. It’s like if a guy you kind of like has a booger in his nose, and you don’t want to tell him, but you can’t look at him with it….it just kinda kills everything. That’s what this Broadway ordeal is like….a guy with a booger.


Jonathan – you freakin powder puff girl. Why, why, why, why can’t you be from Oklahoma…or Arkansas….or anywhere else but here. There are 49 other states…Take your Kleenex and go.


And here’s a little free advice for you guys out there. Girls……don’t……like…….to….be…..sung…..to. Unless you are on a stage, you SHOULD NOT DO THIS. You’re welcome.


The only thing missing this week was Rated Argh. You FAKER. I bet if someone put him on one side of a football field, lit his pants on fire and put the fire extinguisher at the other end his foot would magically heal. Quickly!


Ok….drum roll please……winner winner chicken dinner….I’m gonna call the final 3…..Chris, Fred, Kasey. HAHAHAHA….Just kidding…Chris, Fred, Roberto. That’s it people. The betting windows are now open.


Oh, one more thing. These are the worst dates EVA in the history of the Bachelor/Bachelorette season. Seriously, the people behind the scenes must sit around and think….hmm…what can we do to make these guys look like even bigger douche bags then they already are….Oh, I know, they can try out for the Lion King, try to make a dance video, pose in a calendar in a speedo, try to dance to a choir…for realz.

Jun 10, 2010

Green Eyed Monster

There are not too many times (OK, never) that I envy teachers or teenagers. Summer is the exception to that rule. I was in my office working the other day and looking for Noah watching the rain come down and I hear a huge splash in the backyard and discover a mongrel looking bunch of heathen red neck houligans my son and his buddies making the most of it in the pool. They then upped the ante by adding the skim board (to which Captain Wonderful would tsk tsk for sure, but he what he doesn't know won't hurt him...that's my motto at least)

Summer is officially here :)


And then they were off again.....as I yelled out the door "Your ass is grass if you have a rope in that cart!"

Captain Accident Kid + Golf Cart + Skim Board + Rope = Another Co-Pay and Possibly a CPS investigation at this point!

On the bright side, no deductible though because it's usually met by the 2nd week in January by this kid, 3rd at the latest!


Jun 8, 2010

Literary greatness...not so much

Remember these dang teeny bopper pullitzer prize winning literary pieces I was reading here :
http://thedomesticchaos.blogspot.com/2010/03/guess-what-im-reading-right-now.html ?

Well low and behold I must have done something right somewhere in the universe because the TV SERIES STARTS TONIGHT on ABC Family. As shameful as this is I am fired up and will be watching it loud and clear from the confines of my closet :)

Yay for summer..cheesiness and immaturity allowed. I might even throw us girls a sleepover at some point - no boys allowed :)

All I need now is for the new season of Big Brother to start and all will be right with the world. Sigh.

http://abcfamily.go.com/shows/pretty-little-liars?cid=mktg_banners_pll_preseason

Jun 2, 2010

Bachelorette recap...Oy Vey.

Wow. Don’t even know where to start on this one so here we go….

Craig M (“Is that Craig with a C or a K?”) – your are a flocking douchebag. A true cross between Shooter McGavin (From Happy Gilmore) and The Lathies (Ladies) Man from SNL with his courvoisier. So glad you took your jackass self back to Canada (Aye? It's Aboot Time). Adios, Hasta LaVista, Peace Out, Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord…..


Jonathan – Jonathan, Jonathan, Jonathan. Oy Vey is right. Where do I begin. First of all you should definitely fire your gay bestie that picked out your wardrobe. While Carson Kressley could pull this look off, you are here to get a GIRL, remember? Your jeans should NOT be tighter then hers. And the white Michael Jackson-esqe jacket...huh? And for the love of pete...all the whining to the camera…wtf dude? I was waiting for you to bust out with “Moommm, he’s picking on me….he won’t stop touching me….”. Man up buddy, wear that Speedo with confidence, chicken legs or not. Drop your duckfloat and let's get on with this. Geez LOUISE, Quityerbitchin and put your big girl panties on.


Frank – the 30 year old Retail Store Manager that lives at home. That spent the entire episode blah blah blah-ing about his career driven-ness. Ummm….let me repeat..30 year old Retail Store Manager that LIVES AT HOME. You are no Donald Trump, my friend, who are you kidding????


Was there anyone else even on this episode besides those 3? I don’t know what the other guys did all week but they sure as heck weren’t on camera. Maybe they were helping Jonathan practice his brown belt skills so that he could take out the dangerous Craig if needed….? And people say it’s girls that have all the drama…HA! Tune in next week when they freeze each other's jockstraps.

Jun 1, 2010

I am a nerd. Yep.

For Memorial Day, Captain Wonderful had to work so I decided that I would not leave Central Command/HQ for the entire day. And let me tell ya people, it ROCKED. What can I say, I needed to give my liver a break before I need a transplant.  The poor organ is a good sport but can only take so much and I had the feeling it was on the verge of a major tantrum.


I also managed to slide the movie Dear John in there in between the Real Housewives of New York and New Jersey Marathon (Damn Yankees....). The ending of that movie SUCKED btw but worth watching because Channing Tatum is H-O-T. I'm talking FINEEEEEEEEEEEE.