Mar 22, 2010

Holy Cow...someone tried to kill me...

So I thought with it being Spring Break and me being such the awesome mom I am that I would take some time off to take the heathen rabid teenagers kids to go do some stuff. I announced to Zach my plan to take Wed, Thursday and Fri off and he got super excited and jumped up and down and hugged me shrugged his shoulders and said "Cool. If thats what you wanna do" the enthusiasm was palpable!

Week commences as such (hang on to your hats!)


I am up with the rooster crow (naturally since I'm on vacation) so decide I'll go ahead and knock the cleaning and the laundry out so I'll have an empty rest of the week to fill with fun activities.

11 am: No movement from back of house still even after vacuuming.....THOROUGHLY....the hallway and bedroom adjacent to his room

11:15 am: Decide I will smoke crack read the newest book in my bubblegum teeny bopper series, Killer: A Pretty Little Liars Novel. It is Spring Break after all!

1:00 PM: My ears that movement from the back of the he comes...look natural..he emerges in full basketball regalia..uh oh

1:05 PM: Horn honks in driveway and he's out the door. Oh well, guess I'll go back to my crack book.

4:00 PM: Shaq teenager returns, smells like roses

4:30 PM: Have following inspiring conversation with teenager:

Teenager: "Hey Mom, we're going to the rodeo tonight"

Me: "We who?"

Teenager: "Me, Teenager 2, Teenager 3, Teenager 4"

Me: "Parents?"

Teenager: "Huh? Ummmm....Huh?"

Me: "P..A...R...E...N...T....S..?"

Teenager: "Ohhh....No, just us, it's cool though, Teenager 2 is a really good driver so we're good right?"

Me: "No way Jose"


Me: "Let me break it down. No. Nooo. N to the O...Hey..Ho...N to the O.... No. Nopey, nope nope. No today. No tomorrow. Clearer?"

Teenager: "Why?"

Me: "Really? You want reasons. Sure thing. Have a seat. It's downtown. It's St Patricks Day. You're 16. You're 16. You're 16. Because I said so. Clearer?"

Teenager: "Wow, that's really mean Mom."

Me: "Oh well. Not running for President or Prom Queen here so popularity with the masses not so much a big deal to me"

Teenager: "Wow. that's really mean Mom. (Lengthy thinking pause) I can't wait until I'm in college. I'm gonna do whatever I want and you're not gonna be able to control it and I'm gonna hang out and go where I want and party, party, PARTY"

Me: "Well alrighty then. But you SURE better enjoy that ONE semester cause that's ALL YOU'RE GONNA GET"

Teenager: 0
Me: 1

Thursday: (the excitement continues)

AM: Run Errands

1:00 Eat Vietnamese at restaurant have never tried before that just opened….only person in the place…Hmmm…

PM: Run Errands. Back to crack book number 7:, Heartless: A Pretty Little Liars Novel

1:00 AM – Wake up out of a dead sleep and commence to puke and want to die for the next 16 straight hours. Huge mistake of lunch venue becomes apparent and at one point I think I even see Jesus…


Universe: 7,235,896
Me: -50

-Want to die

-Called my hubby at work after every single time I puke to ask if he feels sorry for me

-Call my hubby 30 min after each of those phone calls to cry because I don’t think he feels sorry for me and I feel enormously sorry for me

-Want to die

-Call my hubby to ask who he thinks would want to kill me because SOMEONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS BY GOD! Hubby reminds me that he is at work and I am being a bit dramatic.

-Wonder to self if information would have a listing under “Divorce Lawyer” or if you would need a specific name…

-Friends call and ask if they can bring me anything…I reply “A gun please”. They refuse but do offer soup and sprite. Jerks.

-Watch every movie on pay per view since I can’t get out of bed to load the dvd into a player

2012: Is this supposed to be a comedy? No? Whoops.

Pirate Radio: This movie would have been better if it had been a soundtrack only.

Did You Hear About the Morgans?: Funny. Worth the $4.95. *Sidenote: My #1 fan/BFF Wendie and I had an elaborate discussion over the romantic factor of Hugh Grant while we were on the way to Brunch on Sunday (with our husbands in the car). While we think he is super cute, the polite stuff might get in the way in the boudoir. We started in with our best British accents and scenarios of "Might I .....?" or "May I....?" It started getting pretty raunchy until the guys told us to cool it....Hmmm..guess they didn't like the British accents??

Bandslam: I was out of options at this point...words cannot even describe the pain of this movie...I'm embarrased for Lisa Kudrow

Open not feel like I want to die....immediately get on scale to see if I lost some weight with all of that puking.....spend the day being mad that I wasted the last day of my vacation yesterday. Vow to seek revenge on Vietnamese restaurant. Run different scenarios by hubby.  He thinks I might still be sick.


Hallelujar! Wake up for Gospel Brunch at the House of Blues.  Quite the experience people. Quite the experience. I think this little diddy may be worthy of it's own post, so more to come on it later.

Have a great week blogland!

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