I think they should put this sign on the Spin Class Door:

This one if for my ya-ya, because she is having a bad day and has an extremely sensitive smeller :)

Signs for Spin Class Door:

"If you have gas, please pass, on this class"

Here is another one:

"Matthew McConaughey you are not, please wear deodorant, your pits wreak like gut rot"

One More:

"Warning: If everyone in the row behind you falls off their bike either A.) You need an enema or possibly a roto-rooter...or B.) You have BO....bad....go back to you commune.


**Public Service Announcements brought to you by the people in the rows behind you. Thank you.

Attention Peeping Toms: A look inside our bedroom window

Hold onto your hats peeps..:)

So I’ve been doing this organic/vegan/vegetarian thing for a week or so now and Captain Wonderful and his Apprentice are super supportive and loving having as much fun at my expense as humanly (and maybe even super-humanly) possible. (Not unlike those 2 bi-yatches otherwise known as my ya-yas who went into cardiac laughing meltdown when I ordered a Black Bean Burger at Chilis on Friday. A-holes..laugh it up clowns….we’ll see who is laughing herself right into a pair of SKINNY jeans when this is all said and done. Hardee har har)

Captain Wonderful and myself are laying in bed watching tv last night and he is flipping through the channels (like a bat out of hell because he has the worst case of ADHD ever…..EVER) and he happens to stop on a Jethro Tull concert. I am not paying much attention because A.) it’s pointless to try to keep up with his channel nazi-ism and B.) I am online trying to figure out why my FREAKIN Topsy Turvey Tomatoes aren’t growing !%$@%^#$^!

He turns to me and says:

Capt Wonderful (CW): “here ya go honey, this is right up your alley.”

Me: “Huh? Why?”

CW: “That’s Jethro Tull. These are your kinda people.”

Me: “Huh? Who....?Why?”

CW: “He’s probably all organic like you. He probably only eats veggie burritos too. He’s right up there with the Grateful Dead and Widespread Panic. Right up your alley…”

5 minutes of watching (AMAZING, I KNOW, SAME CHANNEL FOR FIVE MINUTES) goes by:

Me: “So let me get this straight, you think I would like them because you “think” they are organic, because they are hippie-ish? Correct?”

CW: “Yep”

Me: “Honey, do you remember when I surprised you with Widespread Panic tickets when I first met you because they were your favorite band in Atlanta, but I didn’t know who they were?”

CW: “Yep”

Me: “And you told me they were hippy, Grateful Dead-ish, so I went out bought a super cute tie-dye tank top from The Limited and that was the extent of my hippie-ism”

CW: “Yep”

Me: “And then we got there and no one had on FREAKIN shoes…even though it was JULY….in TEXAS…on CONCRETE (or in the public bathrooms…barf…HOOKWORM anyone?”….and I kept asking you what that horrible smell was and you finally figured out it was patchouli oil that everyone had on because they don’t wear deodorant….IN JULY…IN TEXAS…”

Me:” And I spent the entire time asking….You like this??? Really??? Even the TRIANGLE….AND the WIND CHIMES…Seriously?”

CW:…silence….(pondering or plotting, not sure which..?)

Me:” Will you flip it to Dancing to the Stars"

CW: In a very distraught state...“Why? Kate got voted off...You said you were done when she left. Remember...I think we even had a deal..?" (fyi- we didn't- he is totally making stuff at this point out of desperation over the thought of losing TV channel dictatorship...)

Me: "I know, but I wanna watch Pamela dance"

CW: "Why?"

Me: “Because she’s a vegetarian, she's my kinda people, she's right up my alley :)"

CW: "Liar...you just wanna watch that damn show"

Life is fun here at the nuthouse :)

P.S.:


Dear Grateful Dead, Widespread Panic and Jethro Tull fans,

 Please don’t hate. I really like Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia and Phish Food flavors but I really do not like songs that include the triangle…or the wind chimey thing.

Whirled Peas to All-
Sarah

Having a conscience sucks.

I'm reading this right now:

The Kind Diet: A Simple Guide to Feeling Great, Losing Weight, and Saving the Planet by Alicia Silverstone

I think it is contributing to my crabbiness, but not eating  meat right now should defintely ensure that mayhem will follow as I try out these meat-less vegan products.

More to come.

P.S. -Captain Wonderful and his Apprentice (aka my husband and son) are SUPER fired up about this latest venture. The excitement is tangible I tell ya. Excitement or fear. Not sure but you can bet I will be up to my best trickery to get them to taste these recipes. (and then I will dance around and say"ha ha, you ate it, you ate ______". Looking forward to these good family bonding times.)

P.S.S - the book said you will be crabby in week two. Um. That is putting it mildly. It did not say you would resort to "Falling Down" behavior. 

Flashback Friday: 1988 called...

Apparently I was an orphan with no friends or family to tell me this was not a good idea for Homecoming (1988!) or I had seen Desperately Seeking Susan 700 1 too many times.

Paint Splatters...Really?
Gloves....Really???

Apparently the cute boy that I went with was an orphan also. Poor guy. No family to buy him socks. Or Homecoming was in the middle of a marsh. Hmm..either way,Tim Gunn, We apologize.

Hey 1988.....good one. You got me.

P.S. - Is it not CA-Razy that 22 years later the mums look EXACTLY the same....? I mean EXACTLY. When I bought one for my son's date this year I could not believe that they haven't changed a bit. Except that they're so expensive now you need to take out a 2nd mortgage on your house to pay for it. Seriously.

Not much to blog about lately...

Hasn't been much going on around here lately except watching my toenails grow, thinking about how F-NG hungry I am, trying not to drink wine (unsuccessfully) and weekly dances with the devil aka spin class. Hopefully things will perk up soon, they are usually not calm for too long around here :)

P.S. I don't understand why when they come to do our yard they use the freakin blower for so long RIGHT OUTSIDE the freakin window. I mean, is that the ONLY yard tool you have to work with??? I keep trying to catch them just standing there pointing it straight at the window(They've been to quick for me so far.....but I will keep trying). It's even better when it's at 8 am on Saturday morning. Even better. Have you seen that Michael Douglas movie "Falling Down"? It's enough to make you go there. TO FALL STRAIGHT DOWN.

P.S.S. I am f-ng hungry. My husband, bffs, son, co-workers, neighborhood gas station attendant, everyone driving on the road alongside me, people at McDonalds that I flip off when I peel out of the drivethru with only my DIET COKE Some people think it is making me crazy. What-eva.

Chicken Ranch, Sundried Tomato and Spinach Pizza

This was YUMMY. Not exactly low cal but not too terrible for you. Probably even a little better then a traditional pizza.  I made my own pizza crust but a pre-made crust could easily be used instead. And for all you obsessive compulsives that are haters because the crust is not round....stick it. Round Schmound. We don't need no stinking round pizza.

Ingredients:

Low Fat Ranch (was in the bathroom when the picture was taken)

Diced Chicken Breast

Spinach

Sundried Tomatoes

Mozzerella Cheese

Parsley

Layer all in the order they're listed above and bake at 350 for about 8-10 minutes. That's it. Oh - And don't forget to sprinkle corn meal on your pan before you add your crust. It helps it not to stick and adds more yumminess.

Flashback Friday: Labor and Delivery Version

I had an extremely difficult labor and delivery. And that is putting it MILDLY. Let's put it this way: 16 years later. Still one kid. More kids=more labor and deliveries=no freakin way jose. The sadist moron who should not have a medial license and might possibly really only have a veterinary license and might possibly not even be capable and deserving of that obstetrician let me go 2 FREAKING weeks over my delivery date before inducing me.

Key Facts:

• Allergy to demerol=throwing up down side of face during the entire labor (apparently Satan the OB can't read either. Hello. I'm allergic you jackass.)
• Inducing with Potocin=12 hours of straight pushing contracting labor with continuous intermittent panic crying spells where I may or may not have started hating certain people
• Hater devil obstetrician=no epidural (I spent many years plotting revenge)
• 2 weeks over due date=10 lb, 23 inch kid (with jacked up head)
  

12 hours later (12 HOURS) we had a baby. People always think I'm exageratting (because I may or may not exagerate sometimes) when I say that Zach's head was a LOT bit jacked up when they gave him to me. This is no exaggeration people. He gave Dan Akroyd's Conehead character more than a run for the money. They brought him in and I started wailing "They told me not to push, they told me not to push, look what I diddddd". His dad asked the nurse "Is his head supposed to do that?" (Note to him: Seriously? You thought that was an appropriate commment?)You know that cute little pink and blue knit hat that they put on all babies? Well, the nurse had to get a foot hold and use two hands to stretch it over his cone head. His head was very similar to the Alien movie character. Very similar.

I came across this picture the other day that proves my point. This is the standard newborn picture that they take in the hospital once the baby is born. Notice what is so tall that it is out of the picture....? Yep. His cone head. Not...in...the....picture. Told you.

Flash forward to 16 years later. His head ended up turning out ok though. Now we worry about the inside of what's going on with his head instead of the outside. Sometimes I would take a conehead over dealing with the way a 16-year old thinks. When does something that makes me think "Huh? Seriously?", I remind myself that they told me not to push. Oh, and that caning is not legal in the US (STILL?!).

McDonalds Workers=Brain Surgeon/Rocket Scientist

So I'm doing this whole slow death dieting thing and I am running late for work and decide to go through McDonalds because I am STARVING (very unusual for me, I know). I get the bright idea that I will order an Egg McMuffin with no bun (to save calories) and I will add an extra piece of Canadian Bacon so that I get a little more protein. Now....this gives the Nobel Prize Winner McDonalds worker 3, THREE, 3 different options to use as the bottom layer that will NOT stick to the box...2 pieces of Canadian Bacon and 1 egg.

Drumroll please.....

Are you freaking kidding me. They put the ONE thing that will stick to the box on the bottom. The ONE THING. Makes me wanna go back and punch someone in the mouth.

Screw you McDonalds Worker.

Dieting is fun.

Flashback Friday: Zach's 1st Haircut

Zach's 1st haircut done by my ya-ya.  Check out the awesome cell phone it doubled as a life raft in case of an emergency or as shelter in the event of being stranded on a desert island.
We sure could've used her expertise this year....thank sweet baby Jesus that this phase is over.

The Devil Is From Sweden.

The devil did not go down to Georgia. The devil is from Sweden AND she (yes, she) teaches a spin class at my gym.



Let me unfold the scene for you. I haven’t been to the gym in FOREVER a while. My BFF/Sister-n-law (yes, we’re tricky like that and figured out a way for our kids to be related. There’s another BFF in the related mix too. We three girls are oh so smart. But that’s a story for another time) so, she cons me tells me I should go to this spin class with her because she burns a ton of calories. And hey, it’s not a problem that I haven’t been in the gym since Adam and Eve walked the earth. It’s no big deal because everyone can go at their own pace if you can’t keep up. LIAR!!!!!!!!!


First off, I walk in almost late, but no worries because my BFF Pinocchio has saved me a seat. Perfect. Especially since this bike is SO NOT a bike. I’m not sure what it is but had she not been there I would’ve needed a rocket scientist to help me with the 500 adjustments you need to make in order to “Spin” and who is this seat made for, Thumbelina? Also, I wasn’t sure why I had to strap my feet in (I figured this out QUICKLY later). Here’s a hint…it’s a lot like a themepark ride…guess what they don’t want you to do in the middle of it….escape get off.


Now the class starts up, and I start pedaling and am like “Wow, this is great. I’ve so got this”. We pedal along for a little while and I’m watching the cool Lance Armstrong/Tour de France bike videos that play on the big screens at the front of the room and thinking this aint so bad. WRONG. Then Satan the instructor starts yelling and whistling and all I can make out is “mountain” and “Stand up”. Huh? Stand Up? I can’t stand up and pedal…the pedals are going around way too fast. That’s when my former BFF looks over and says "turn the knob to the right to make it harder to pedal so you don’t fall off". My first instinct is “Um. No.” but then I realize that we’re getting left at the bottom of the “mountain” ALONE so I give in and head to the slaughter with the rest of the lambs (although skinny lambs that they are) stand up. Big mistake. HUGE. Ginormous. I quickly figure out THIS is why your feet are strapped in…I mean, I am no study in balance and grace, but this is RIDICULOUS. I also look up and get a glance at where my awesome saved seat is located…right in front of the mirror. Perfect. Thanks Ya-Ya. This is getting better and better.


The remainder of the class goes like this, sit down, stand up, sit down, stand up. I’m thinking what is this? Catholic Church??? El Diablo the instructor continues to yell things I can’t understand but I do pick up a couple of things along the lines of...”if your not trying I will call you out, I will get you “ and I think A.) what’s the point of that, no one could FREAKING understand you if you called them out and B.) I dare you. Double Dog Dare. I also pick up something about “having quiet hips in the stand up process” and notice from my awesome LARGE image in the mirror that I definitely do not have quiet hips. They are indeed very, very, VERY loud.

Finally, the eternity hour class is at the end. Thank you sweet baby Jesus. The instructor asks if anyone would like to stay and die a slow painful death do another 30 minutes and the a$$hole next to me my BFF raises her hand. Traitor. I manage to unhook myself from the machine of death and as I exit,I shoot my former BFF the finger and tell her she’s f-ng dead to me now. She is very phased by this and waves and says “okie doke. I’ll call ya later. Same time Thursday right?”


P.S. – I dropped a note in the suggestion box on the way out that they might want to paint that room orange with flames on the wall and make Lucifer Helga walk around in a red unitard with horns to give unsuspecting gym-goers a fair idea of what goes on in there.

Easy Cream Cheese Frosting aka My Husband Needs Glasses

This stuff is Easy Breezy Covergirl frosting. It makes Strawberry Cupcakes from a box taste they took WAYYYY more time and I'm all about the trickery and deceit, just call me Pinocchio honesty, truth and justice for all.

P.S. My husband came in and saw the unfrosted cakes on the counter and wanted to know why we were having salmon for dinner since he doesn't like salmon. Ummm...need glasses much. Dinner (NOT SALMON) will be ready in a few minutes Helen Keller.

P.S.S. : I was madder than a hatter when I figured out I forgot (ie drank more than one glass of wine while cooking) to spray the pan with Pam. Hence the awesome looking salmon cakes.

P.S.S.S.: I had to google Pinocchio to spell it. And deceit. Wth.Yikes.

Easy Cream Cheese Frosting:

16 ounces, weight Cream Cheese
1 cup Powdered Sugar


Soften the cream cheese. Gradually add powdered sugar to the cream cheese in a mixing bowl until sweetened to your taste.

That’s it!

Best Breakfast Sandwich...Ever.

Well, best lowfat breakfast sandwich ever.  200 measley calories of goodness.

3 egg whites
2 slices ham
1/2 wedge Laughing Cow Cheese
Earthgrains 100% NATURAL THIN BUN

Scramble the egg whites, when they're done spray with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and move to side of the pan.
Throw 2 slices of ham in the pan to heat it up.
Toast bun. Spread one side with 1/2 wedge Laughing Cow Cheese.
Add egg whites and ham and your in business!

P.S.  - I'm typing this while eating my 742 piece of Easter candy. Awesome.

Flashback "Good" Friday

I think I had seen Steel Magnolias one time too many this April....1st Annual Multi Family Egg Hunt....Last Annual Multi Family Egg Hunt

Speaking of Steel Magnolias. I got to see my BFFs little boy Greystoke(that's not really his name, but that's what I call him. Don't get it? Google it. He also goes by Mullethead.)  Doesn't he look EXACTLY like  Shelby's little boy Jack Jr. in Steel Magnolias...!

Things....I am loving right now: Diet Version

First of all I have completely screwed my diet up this week. In my defense, this is my week....my fav-o-rite week of the month....the week that I want to find all of those feminists who think that God may be a woman and LAUGH IN THEIR FACES. No way. No how. Throw pregnancy, childbirth, menopause. breastfeeding, vericose veins, etc. into the mix and I think I've got a pretty good argument against the fact that HE IS A HE.

So to say that I've had a smidgeon of cravings and screw ups is putting it mildly. The list goes on and on....HB Steakhouse, Lupe Tortillas, McDonalds, El Tiempo....oh, the horror...my spanx were cutting of my circulation yesterday and when I took them off I felt like the Christmas Tree in the Griswald Family Christmas Movie when they cut the binding and it breaks out every window in the house...good times. I don't see myself overloaded on with self control through the coming Easter weekend. So I shall start with a fresh slate tomorrow, after all, tomorrow is another day. (Tomorrow=Monday).

Prior to my fall down the rabbit hole this week, I've stumbled upon these dandy little things that make life a little more bearable and make salted tree bark a little less of an option.

Earthgrains 100% NATURAL THIN BUNS; Whole Wheat Thin Buns-these are so wonderful. I have used them for everything I can think of. Recipes to come soon. I heart these.

Mission Guacomole Flavored Dip : I am a bit of a Sour Cream and/or Ranch junkie. But on a lot of things, this stuff adds a lot more creamy good flavor for WAY less calories. Tostadas, Fish Tacos, Turkey Sandwiches...I find myself sitting around thinking of things I can put it on...

Gaytan Baked Cheese Puffs Naturally Buttery Asiago Peppercorn : I CANNOT eat a sandwich without chips. Can't do it. I feel deprived if I have to.  And look at HOW MANY you can have for so LITTLE calories.  Makes my heart happy :)

Skinny Cow LowFat Ice Cream Sandwich: Vanilla Chocolate Combo - heavens part and light shines through...